Morpheus on… The Ten Commandments

One afternoon, the Reverend Michael Ripper went to take tea with the Very Reverend George Woodbridge. Woodbridge noticed his friend looked somewhat harassed and asked him why.

“I had to WALK here – my bicycle has disappeared.”

“Really? Do you think someone stole it?”

“I suppose.”

The two sipped their tea and after a minute, Woodbridge spoke.

“You might try this; on Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. Then when you get to Number Eight, pause for emphasis, speak slowly and fix your eyes on the congregation – and see who blinks.”

Ripper thanked the man for his advice and they agreed to meet again the next week.

Thus the following Wednesday, they again sat down to tea.

“I see you CYCLED here this time – did my little ploy bear fruit?”

“Not exactly; I was psyching myself up for the Eighth Commandment – but when I reached the Seventh, I remembered where I LEFT it.”

 

[Retelling this classic story on the web has the advantage that the reader can – if necessary – easily LOOK UP the Ten Commandments!]

Morpheus on… Photo-Shopping

Don’t you just love THIS…

Morpheus on… After Trump: What Next?

In its eagerness to rid itself of Trump, America seems to have overlooked what will FOLLOW.

Two words: Mike Pence.

Under the U.S. Constitution, it is HE who, along with Trump’s team of misbegotten, sycophantic losers (the ones he has not yet fired) will take over running The States.

Pence: a man who equates dining with a woman as having shagged her – and believes a dude who loves another dude should get down on his knees and (no, not that) “pray the gay away” – two sentiments an adult should have outgrown.

And what about the Cabinet he will inherit?

It includes Jeff Sessions: a man who resembles a leprechaun – and who wants to REVERSE the baby steps that have been taken towards legalising recreational drugs which, after FIFTY YEARS of the pointless War On Drugs, would finally free enough of America’s Injustice System up, to allow it to put REAL criminals behind bars.

And Rinse Pubis: a man who PERSONIFIES the word “dweeb” – and who criticised Trump constantly; until it became clear that he was the only Republican who could win 2016.

Plus Wilbur Ross: somewhere, a third-rate ventriloquist is missing a dummy.

Ben Carson: dozy, but dangerous – keep him away from sharp objects.

Betsy DeVos: a milf, but no-one likes her.

Rick “Oops” Perry.

And not forgetting the Prince Of Darkness, Steve Bannon: a man who looks like he sleeps in a dumpster – and who is somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan.

Also, remember that under the 22nd Amendment, if (against all odds) Trump lasts two years, Pence (who is only 58) could run for another TWO terms – meaning if the Democrats could not find anyone to beat him, America could be stuck with the berk until 2028!

Verily, God SAVE the United States of America…

Morpheus on… Leggy May: Here’s Another Nice Mess You’ve Gotten Us Into

So, having done a U-turn and determined to rip Britain OUT of Europe, you decided to silence your critics and firm up your position by holding a General Election. Your party was umpteen points in the lead – what could possibly go wrong?

Well, Jeremy Corbyn could begin a VIGOROUS campaign that would turn him from being one of Britain’s most hated politicians into someone viewed – particularly by the young – as its possible SAVIOUR, that’s what.

And even though the surge in his popularity wasn’t enough to give him victory, it managed to erode your comfortable lead into a minor DEFICIT.

This meant you needed HELP. But who could you turn to?

Not the Liberal Democrats for sure; only a few years ago, your former boss Cameron chewed Cleggy and his people up and shat them OUT. Tim Farron ain’t daft enough to go down THAT road.

And certainly not the Scottish National Party; Nic Sturgeon would not p*ss on you if you were on fire.

While Sinn Féin, Plaid Cymru and the Greens only have seven, four and one seat respectively – you’d have to rope in BOTH the former two parties to achieve a slim majority. Lotsa luck with THAT.

Which only leaves the DUP. WHO??

Yes, even I had barely heard of them. So I did some research.

It turns out DUP stands for Democratic Unionist Party. But in this case, the word “democratic” is like the word “socialist” was – with the NAZI party.

Yes, in both cases words that normally imply LEFT-wing sympathies were actually applied to EXTREME RIGHT-WING parties.

Face it, Leggy – the DUP are a bunch of primitive, barbaric retards who make your Tory wing of the British Party look like LIBERALS in comparison.

They don’t even have the same aspirations as you – and you’re getting into bed with THEM?

Okay, they’re the ONLY way you can stay in power – but GAWDELP us all now…

Morpheus on “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others”

A picture says a thousand words…

Morpheus on… A Doctor’s Story

So this little old lady went to see her doctor. “Doctor, I have this problem with wind. Actually, it’s not a big problem. It’s totally SILENT and luckily, it doesn’t SMELL at all. In fact, I’ve let several go while I’ve been talking to you and you probably didn’t even notice.”

The doctor replied, “I see – well, take these pills and make an appointment to see me next week.”

A week later, the little old lady returned and said, “Doctor, I don’t know what you gave me, but now my wind smells TERRIBLE.”

“Good,” the doctor said, “Now we’ve cleared up your SINUSES, we’ll see what we can do about your HEARING.”

(My name’s Morpheus. Don’t forget to tip your waitress!)

Morpheus on… When Right Is Wrong

There is an old, English schoolboy joke that goes – “If the French all drive on the wrong side of the road, how come they don’t have ACCIDENTS all the time?” Of course, the truth is – there IS no right or wrong side. EITHER side is fine, provided everybody sticks to the SAME side.

But which side is BEST? Most countries drive on the right – but far from ALL. Britain, Japan, Australia, New Zealand, Thailand and Malaysia are just some of those who chose the LEFT.

Sweden originally chose the left, but in order to fit in with Europe, changed to the right in the early Sixties. The change was made gradually. I’m kidding of course – the change was made overnight. They unbagged the new signs and traffic lights and bagged up the old ones.

But the thing is, these traditions have nothing to DO with cars. They pre-date the horseless carriage by centuries – in some cases, MILLENNIA. The reason most countries drive on the right is – the ROMANS.

Apparently, when chariots passed on the left, people (being mostly right-handed) got into sword fights and so a proclamation was passed… or maybe that’s just an urban myth. Either way, the Romans drove on the right – and the tradition spread.

However, for MODERN times, that tradition is WRONG. Car control layouts took some time to get standardised, but once they were, they ensured that the wheel would be in front of you, the pedals would be at your feet and the gear lever would be in the middle of the vehicle.

And it is that LAST fact that makes driving on the LEFT much, much BETTER.

You see, when driving on the left, the driver SITS on the RIGHT (if they didn’t, they couldn’t see past the vehicle in front – which is essential for safe overtaking). And this positions them with the gear lever on their LEFT. And THAT’S what’s important.

Think about it; most people are RIGHT-handed – thus possess more strength and accuracy in that hand. And when taking a hand OFF the steering wheel to change gear, they need that strength and accuracy to maintain MAXIMUM control with the hand which remains ON the wheel – while the simple act of changing gear should require a MINIMUM of strength and accuracy.

And the same is true for the BRAIN. Left hand – gears – subconscious (or SHOULD be – if you need to think CONSCIOUSLY about gear-changes, you shouldn’t BE driving). Right hand – steering – conscious.

Therefore, given that the majority of people are right handed, right-hand-drive is the only way to go. Left-handed people; if you want to drive – go and live in a left-hand-drive country!

(Of course, Americans – who HAVE to be different –  have ALWAYS been left-hand-drive. But then, their cars have always had automatic gearboxes and power steering – thus while driving, they only use their left hand to hold the damn ROOF on!)