Morpheus on… Beauty Contests

Before we can probe the phenomenon of beauty contests, we must address the term – beauty “pageants”. This is one of those stupid PC inventions that attempt and dismally fail to dignify something deemed dubious (alliteration!)

Fact is, the entrants are still called contestants – not “pageantees” – so it’s a contest then.

But as soon as you start to treat it as such, you run into all sorts of problems.

Like, only fashion and photographic models and girls who are in the general beauty business enter them. They’ve been taught how to walk – or clump – about. So the contestants will only be the most beautiful PROFESSIONALS. The girl-next-door might be a BABE, but she wouldn’t get past the auditions.

And then how do you judge it? Award points for various “features”? I mean, Audrey Hepburn gave great FACE – but had a body like a hat-stand. Girls with big (real) boobs tend to have unspectacular kabooses. In short, few girls have it ALL.

Plus there’s the “cattle market” issue. For a PHYSICAL beauty contest to be judged ACCURATELY, the girls would have to be NAKED. Which would be fine on the Playboy Channel or the Naturist Channel – if such a thing existed – but on World-wide Primetime? I don’t think so.

Finally, there is the question of taste. It is a fact that Beauty IS In The Eye Of The Beholder – so the winner will inevitably be a generic, middle-of-the-road bimbo (or himbo) who will appeal to NO-ONE.

This latter issue is even more apposite when the contest is an international one. Tastes – and body-shapes – vary enormously from region to region. Thus it is IMPOSSIBLE to find a person whose face and physique will gratify ALL.

And if that international competition seeks to meld physical beauty with “inner” beauty, by having the contestants SPEAK – then non-English speakers are at an immediate disadvantage, having to work through interpreters. And those with unpopular views (see recently) will lose – even if they have the looks of Aphrodite (or David).

I could go on. But the reality is, once you begin trying to analyse and apply LOGIC to the concept of beauty contests, the whole thing UNRAVELS!

The only way to treat beauty contests is as what they ARE. A chance for professionals in the beauty trade to promote themselves in a spectacular PAGEANT. YES! We’ve come full circle. You see, there is nothing wrong with a beauty PAGEANT – provided you get rid of the damn CONTEST element.

As I think I’ve proved, to have winners and losers is ABSURD. In the past, people were happy to enjoy beauty contests for what they WERE – a superficial piece of NONSENSE. But these days, Society demands REALITY. And beauty contests DEFY reality.

But pageants are fine – a chance to just enjoy human beauty for the marvel that it is. And a chance for spotty little boys to have a good… time.


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