Morpheus on… A Life Without Children

My associate, Corny, has already pointed out the pitfalls of having kids. They are hellish painful to deliver (like passing a bowling ball) push the woman’s mind and body out of shape (only their mind recovers) wreck your lives (forget about SEX) and are a MAJOR TRIAL to maintain. For the full piece, checkout “Cornelius on… Having Kids” on…

But Corny only mentions the FINANCIAL cost in passing. So let’s take another look at THAT.

Once upon a time, there was a young couple called Maude and Harold. They had met at a supermarket – Harold was a warehouseman (-person?) while Maude manned (womanned?) a checkout.

Separately, their mediocre wages barely covered their expenses, once they’d paid rent on their respective bedsits. So, realising two could live ALMOST as cheaply as one, they decided to get a flat together. And with their incomes and outgoings now combined, they found themselves relatively well off. For a few years, they PARTIED.

But in the fullness of time, having decided to “settle down”, they found a house for rent which was within their means. So they furnished it on HP and whatever they could find in local small-ads. Then Maude began squeezing out sprogs, while Harold volunteered for every second of overtime going at the supermarket, in order to supplement his meagre income.

The supermarket, in turn, was more than happy to accommodate Harold, since paying time-and-a-half to one man was far cheaper than hiring a second. Soon Harold was working eighty hours a week (he never SAW his kids) but it still wasn’t enough.

They had always figured on Maude giving up work for a few weeks while she was engaged in the task of helping maintain Britain’s population, after which she would get some “homework” until the kids went to school. But they soon discovered that this work was subject to the laws of Supply And Demand.

There were MILLIONS of people in their situation and – thanks to automation and “outsourcing” – millions MORE on welfare. Thus homework rarely paid more than fifty pence an hour. The simple fact was, forty hours of tedious work would net twenty Pounds. For many, this equalled SURVIVAL. And in order to stay competitive, companies could not afford to pay more.

But Maude and Harold figured things would improve once the kids started school, in a few years time (they had already discovered no nursery would look after toddlers for ten hours a day – this wasn’t Communist Russia). So they began opening credit-card accounts. They would pay the money back once Maude got a part-time job.

And when, finally, the last kid started school, Maude went looking. But she soon discovered no company was interested in hiring someone who had to leave at 3 pm AND would need thirteen weeks HOLIDAY a year.

Their credit-cards now maxed out, no finance company would give them another – they already owed nearly twenty grand. For years, Maude had bought scratch-cards, HOPING for the impossible, but now they couldn’t even afford those. Finally, they filed for bankruptcy.

Of course in ten years time, when her children have finally flown the nest, Maude will be able to return to the supermarket. Unfortunately, she will find they’ll want YOUNG girls who need less money, look pretty and can master the latest technology.

Once upon another time, there was a couple called Clyde and Bonnie. They had met as invoice clerks in an office. Again, individually their wages were mediocre, but put together – substantial.

Of course, since the office closed at 5 pm, there were NO opportunities for overtime. But as Clyde and Bonnie had both come from parents like Maude and Harold, they had NO intention of allowing history to repeat itself.

First, they ignored the ads for flats to rent, knowing they were RIP-OFFS. In Britain, flats commanded a disproportionate rent, compared to HOUSES. The knowledge DINKYs (Double-Income, No Kids Yet) preferred them and were MONIED, ensured rents were almost as high as for a three-bedroom semi.

But Clyde and Bonnie knew that just because a house had three bedrooms, didn’t mean you had to fill them with BEDS. Once they had moved in, Clyde kitted out the second bedroom as his study. He put his computer, books and records in it. And his jukebox.

Meanwhile, Bonnie bought a chest-freezer and put THAT in the smallest bedroom. This enabled them to buy food in bulk, whilst filling the rest of the room with non-perishable items – loo-rolls, etc. – also bought in bulk. The room saved them a FORTUNE.

And now every week, they invite their friends round to PARTY. Having chosen a semi where the entrance halls are adjacent, there are THREE walls between them and their neighbours. And thanks to double-glazing, what happens in their domicillus STAYS in their domicillus.

They watch premium satellite on their 52″ flat-screen, go on three foreign holidays a year and drive a second-hand Ferrari.

The moral of this story? Get a vasectomy – NOW!!!


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