Morpheus on… The Best Jokes Of 2011

…as voted for, at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe.

I don’t normally feature the work of others in my columns (except the odd quote or suggestion – which I attribute) but I felt this year’s Edinburgh Fringe funniest joke winners were so good – they deserved PRESERVATION. So here they are…

(1) Nick Helm: “I needed a password eight characters long – so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

(2) Tim Vine: “Crime in multi-storey car-parks… that’s wrong, on so many levels.”

(3) Hannibal Buress: “People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is EVERYBODY. That’s how time WORKS.”

(4) Tim Key: “The Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought – once you’ve hired the car…”

(5) Matt Kirshen: “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’ – so we stopped playing chess.”

(6) Sarah Millican: “My mother told me, ‘You don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to’ – then she made me eat broccoli – which felt like double standards.”

(7) Alan Sharp: “I was in a band which we called The Prevention – ’cause we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”

(8) Mark Watson: “Someone asked me recently: what would I rather give up – food or sex? Neither! I’m not falling for that one again… wife.”

(9) Andrew Lawrence: “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”

(10) DeAnne Smith: “My friend died doing what he loved… heroin.”

(Wooden Spoon) Paul Daniels: “I said to a fella, ‘Is there a B&Q in Henley?’ And he said, ‘No – there’s an H, two Es, an N, an L and a Y’.”

A big thank you to all of the above. May your work live on for ever. And may you try to do likewise. 🙂


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Sara H. on September 8, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Those are so witty! I think 1 and 2 are my favorite out of all of them…and reading Tim Vine’s joke, that’s definitely something I would’ve said. Very assuring to know that I can think like a real comedian 🙂

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