Morpheus on… The Monologue Bob Newhart Never Did

“You know how God is always shown in the movies as this regal old guy with a long white beard, sitting on some great throne, surrounded by clouds of dry ice? But I was thinking – what if he was just some regular guy, sitting on a swivel chair in a nondescript office in the Bronx – surrounded by different-coloured telephones?

“So let’s go over to that office right now and we can listen in to what he has to say…

–          –          –          –          –          –          –          –          –          –          –          –          –          –          –          –

“Hey Bart – I’ve been getting a LOT of static about this foreskin thing… …Yeah, well when I was talking to Abe, I was only joking when I said they’d grow BACK… …But you see, we’d been drinking this really heavy wine… …NO! It’s part of my grand design. When people are making love, it rolls back so the sensitive skin on the knob… …Yeah, that’s right – the little membrane makes it roll back, to protect it. You cut it off and the skin on the knob gets all thick and… …Well, stop cutting them OFF, okay? It’s a perfect bit of technology… …Have I got one? Of course – if man is made in my image, it automatically follows that… …What do you mean, what do I use it for? Well, it’s none of your damn business, but it happens there’s this cute angel up here and – hang on – I’m getting a call on the other line…

“Hey Benny, I was just about to call you – what’s with that Pope-mobile of yours? It makes you look like you’re selling ice cream. You look like a fool in the thing. Look, you live in Italy – why don’t you get Ferrari to knock up something? They’d do it for YOU… …Okay, well do SOMETHING. Meanwhile, I wanted to have a little talk with you about this birth-control thing – it’s driving the punters away.Where did you get the idea I was against it? Just ’cause YOU don’t wanna screw around… …Well, I didn’t say anything of the kind. Listen, celibacy was YOUR idea. None of the other Branches practise it and some of ’em practise some weird shit – hang on, the orange phone is ringing…

“Hey Tolly – I was just talking about you…”


2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by cyrusofsol on September 10, 2012 at 5:31 am

    This is good stuff. I am sure there is much more waiting to get out. Obviously, it needs an educated audience. Abe I get, but Bart and Tolly pass me by. Benny is only clear to me because of the other references.

  2. Posted by Vincent on September 10, 2012 at 6:00 am

    I’ll tell you PRIVATELY!

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