Morpheus on… After Trump: What Next?

In its eagerness to rid itself of Trump, America seems to have overlooked what will FOLLOW.

Two words: Mike Pence.

Under the U.S. Constitution, it is HE who, along with Trump’s team of misbegotten, sycophantic losers (the ones he has not yet fired) will take over running The States.

Pence: a man who equates dining with a woman as having shagged her – and believes a dude who loves another dude should get down on his knees and (no, not that) “pray the gay away” – two sentiments an adult should have outgrown.

And what about the Cabinet he will inherit?

It includes Jeff Sessions: a man who resembles a leprechaun – and who wants to REVERSE the baby steps that have been taken towards legalising recreational drugs which, after FIFTY YEARS of the pointless War On Drugs, would finally free enough of America’s Injustice System up, to allow it to put REAL criminals behind bars.

And Rinse Pubis: a man who PERSONIFIES the word “dweeb” – and who criticised Trump constantly; until it became clear that he was the only Republican who could win 2016.

Plus Wilbur Ross: somewhere, a third-rate ventriloquist is missing a dummy.

Ben Carson: dozy, but dangerous – keep him away from sharp objects.

Betsy DeVos: a milf, but no-one likes her.

Rick “Oops” Perry.

And not forgetting the Prince Of Darkness, Steve Bannon: a man who looks like he sleeps in a dumpster – and who is somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan.

Also, remember that under the 22nd Amendment, if (against all odds) Trump lasts two years, Pence (who is only 58) could run for another TWO terms – meaning if the Democrats could not find anyone to beat him, America could be stuck with the berk until 2028!

Verily, God SAVE the United States of America…


Morpheus on… Leggy May: Here’s Another Nice Mess You’ve Gotten Us Into

So, having done a U-turn and determined to rip Britain OUT of Europe, you decided to silence your critics and firm up your position by holding a General Election. Your party was umpteen points in the lead – what could possibly go wrong?

Well, Jeremy Corbyn could begin a VIGOROUS campaign that would turn him from being one of Britain’s most hated politicians into someone viewed – particularly by the young – as its possible SAVIOUR, that’s what.

And even though the surge in his popularity wasn’t enough to give him victory, it managed to erode your comfortable lead into a minor DEFICIT.

This meant you needed HELP. But who could you turn to?

Not the Liberal Democrats for sure; only a few years ago, your former boss Cameron chewed Cleggy and his people up and shat them OUT. Tim Farron ain’t daft enough to go down THAT road.

And certainly not the Scottish National Party; Nic Sturgeon would not p*ss on you if you were on fire.

While Sinn Féin, Plaid Cymru and the Greens only have seven, four and one seat respectively – you’d have to rope in BOTH the former two parties to achieve a slim majority. Lotsa luck with THAT.

Which only leaves the DUP. WHO??

Yes, even I had barely heard of them. So I did some research.

It turns out DUP stands for Democratic Unionist Party. But in this case, the word “democratic” is like the word “socialist” was – with the NAZI party.

Yes, in both cases words that normally imply LEFT-wing sympathies were actually applied to EXTREME RIGHT-WING parties.

Face it, Leggy – the DUP are a bunch of primitive, barbaric retards who make your Tory wing of the British Party look like LIBERALS in comparison.

They don’t even have the same aspirations as you – and you’re getting into bed with THEM?

Okay, they’re the ONLY way you can stay in power – but GAWDELP us all now…

Morpheus on “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others”

A picture says a thousand words…

Morpheus on… A Doctor’s Story

So this little old lady went to see her doctor. “Doctor, I have this problem with wind. Actually, it’s not a big problem. It’s totally SILENT and luckily, it doesn’t SMELL at all. In fact, I’ve let several go while I’ve been talking to you and you probably didn’t even notice.”

The doctor replied, “I see – well, take these pills and make an appointment to see me next week.”

A week later, the little old lady returned and said, “Doctor, I don’t know what you gave me, but now my wind smells TERRIBLE.”

“Good,” the doctor said, “Now we’ve cleared up your SINUSES, we’ll see what we can do about your HEARING.”

(My name’s Morpheus. Don’t forget to tip your waitress!)

Morpheus on… When Right Is Wrong

There is an old, English schoolboy joke that goes – “If the French all drive on the wrong side of the road, how come they don’t have ACCIDENTS all the time?” Of course, the truth is – there IS no right or wrong side. EITHER side is fine, provided everybody sticks to the SAME side.

But which side is BEST? Most countries drive on the right – but far from ALL. Britain, Japan, Australia, New Zealand, Thailand and Malaysia are just some of those who chose the LEFT.

Sweden originally chose the left, but in order to fit in with Europe, changed to the right in the early Sixties. The change was made gradually. I’m kidding of course – the change was made overnight. They unbagged the new signs and traffic lights and bagged up the old ones.

But the thing is, these traditions have nothing to DO with cars. They pre-date the horseless carriage by centuries – in some cases, MILLENNIA. The reason most countries drive on the right is – the ROMANS.

Apparently, when chariots passed on the left, people (being mostly right-handed) got into sword fights and so a proclamation was passed… or maybe that’s just an urban myth. Either way, the Romans drove on the right – and the tradition spread.

However, for MODERN times, that tradition is WRONG. Car control layouts took some time to get standardised, but once they were, they ensured that the wheel would be in front of you, the pedals would be at your feet and the gear lever would be in the middle of the vehicle.

And it is that LAST fact that makes driving on the LEFT much, much BETTER.

You see, when driving on the left, the driver SITS on the RIGHT (if they didn’t, they couldn’t see past the vehicle in front – which is essential for safe overtaking). And this positions them with the gear lever on their LEFT. And THAT’S what’s important.

Think about it; most people are RIGHT-handed – thus possess more strength and accuracy in that hand. And when taking a hand OFF the steering wheel to change gear, they need that strength and accuracy to maintain MAXIMUM control with the hand which remains ON the wheel – while the simple act of changing gear should require a MINIMUM of strength and accuracy.

And the same is true for the BRAIN. Left hand – gears – subconscious (or SHOULD be – if you need to think CONSCIOUSLY about gear-changes, you shouldn’t BE driving). Right hand – steering – conscious.

Therefore, given that the majority of people are right handed, right-hand-drive is the only way to go. Left-handed people; if you want to drive – go and live in a left-hand-drive country!

(Of course, Americans – who HAVE to be different –  have ALWAYS been left-hand-drive. But then, their cars have always had automatic gearboxes and power steering – thus while driving, they only use their left hand to hold the damn ROOF on!)

Morpheus on… The Truth About 4k

…it’s a waste of time, effort and money.

A quick history lesson…

The movies began in earnest around 1900 and TV, around 1950 (there had been experimental services in the Thirties, but following the Second World Argument, the boom in American consumerism gave birth to what we have today).

However, while Fifties movies were high-definition, colour, wide-screen, with 6-channel stereo – Fifties TV was NOT. It was low-definition, black and white, rounded, flickery and MONO.

But over the sixty years since, it has CAUGHT UP.

And while Fifties seventeen-inch tellies cost a month’s wages (being hand-wired in the West, one component at a time) today’s fifty-five inch flat-screens (made by machines, in the Orient) can be had for only a WEEK’S wages. And they are hi-definition, colour, wide-screen, with 6-channel stereo.

Oh yes, thanks to smart interface chips, a 1080-line TV picture is now sharper than VistaVision (the Fifties equivalent of 70mm). And a 2k picture likewise.

But what of the future?

Well, technology always moves forward, but in the case of TV – this is not necessarily a good thing.

You see, after the minor annoyance of the standards war between 16:9/1080-line (TV) and 2:1/2k (cinema and computers) they decided the Next Big Thing would be 2:1/4k. This would (universally) give FOUR times the definition (two times vertical and horizontal resolution).

Trouble is, it also requires four times the DATA-TRANSFER. Broadband is becoming OBESEband.

But the real problems come when VIEWING it…

In the cinema, colour 3D was available in the Fifties (Natural Vision; it used Polaroid lenses to separate the two images) and continues today. But while it works fine for a couple of hours, the parallax-versus-focus issue (and the need to wear glasses) would guarantee TV audiences would retire with HEADACHES every night, after watching SIX hours of it – which is why TV has ABANDONED 3D.

But it is EMBRACING 4k – which is a MISTAKE.

First, it is no great shakes in the CINEMA. You have to sit in the front three rows to appreciate the difference and (here’s one of Hollywood’s Dirty Little Secrets) the digital SFX are mostly done in 2k, with only the live characters shot in 4k. Thus with the actors representing the focal point, the audience does not notice the relatively low-res backgrounds.

It has to be that way – or the list of video artists in the end credits would be longer than the damn MOVIE. And the WAGE-bill…

And in the HOME, the situation worsens.

Here’s another secret; with 1080/2k, the optimum distance from viewer-eyeball to screen is twice the screen’s WIDTH (not the diagonal). So if you have a 55″ screen (the largest commonly-made size – bigger screens’ prices go up exponentially) that is EIGHT FEET. Which is fine.

But change that screen to a 4k and you would need to HALVE the distance to notice the difference. And the screen would appear twice as LARGE.

Picture the scene; a guy in a La-Z-Boy recliner, his feet UNDER the suspended screen, his eyes and head constantly twitching around. A SINGLE man, of course.

Oh, the viewing experience would be AMAZING. But he’d go to bed TIRED every night – with a POUNDING HEADACHE!

And the curved TV (which from eight feet away is also pointless) would have cost him the same as the recliner – both around a month’s wages.

Finally, consider the programme makers; in the Fifties and early Sixties, close-ups generally cropped faces an inch above the chin and just above the eyebrows. But then, when higher definition colour arrived, the actors’ faces looked like big, pink BLOBS – so cameramen BACKED OFF aways.

Now imagine 4k definition close-ups. NO actor will look good like THAT.

So here’s the thing; you can get a 55″ 1080/2k LED flat-screen, with 6-channel stereo system, for a week’s wages. Then you can sit eight feet across the room from it (with your LADY). And if you have perfect 20:10 vision (20:20 is what opticians try to palm you OFF with – along with the most expensive “designer” frames in the shop) you will be able to read 8-point print right off the screen.

And that’s all you NEED.

Morpheus on… American Cops With Guns

These days, US cops tend to shoot first and ask questions later – and their State condones it. But I recall a time when there was such a thing as “response training”.

American trainee cops would be made to sit and watch a film, whilst in their hands was a push-button. They were told they would witness a number of scenarios – all of which had happened for REAL – where they would have to make a decision on when – or if – to fire.

When they pushed the button, the film would freeze and it would be assumed they had hit their target (this was a test of JUDGEMENT, not accuracy) and killed them instantly. But if the “suspect” shot at THEM FIRST, it would be assumed that THEY were dead.

Your Humble Scribe has SEEN this film – and it was most instructive. By the time you had got out the mandatory, “Police! Stop, or I fire!” – you were TOAST. There was a pram with a midget inside, a guy who walked casually around a tree as he was being hailed – then swung around firing, a cop in poor lighting conditions who was slow in identifying himself, a man who reached inside his coat for a sign announcing he was deaf and dumb…

This was and is the reality of living in a “gun society”. And that reality has now resulted in US citizens living in an atmosphere of FEAR. These days, cops just blaze away in CASE.

In England, a suspect is chased onto a tube train and despite being subdued by four “officers” SITTING on him, they fire five rounds into him, because they fear he might be a terrorist with a “button”. He turns out to be a plumber.

In America, two cops TAZE (Tazers can KILL) a lone woman in a car, on a routine traffic pull, because she won’t jump out of it and throw herself in the mud at their feet. She was talking to her husband on her mobile phone. After she has finished writhing on the ground, the cop says, “Aw, it don’t hurt THAT much.”

Another routine US traffic pull. Two cops fire at the BACK of a fleeing suspect who tries to grab one of their guns. Silly of him, perhaps – he had panicked because he had drugs on him – but it shows he is UNARMED. He survives their bullets – and HE gets charged with attempted murder. And convicted.

These last two cases were shown on TV – with the authorities’ APPROVAL. In My Day, they’d have WIPED the tapes, for fear of them being used as evidence of police brutality.

But today, that brutality is State Sanctioned. And thanks to post-9/11 paranoia, US – and even British – citizens accept it.

So might YOU – until the next time you see that flashing blue light in your rear-view mirror…