Morpheus on… Kim Jong-un’s Microphones

What IS it with Fatboy Kim (sorry, Norm) and MICROPHONES?

Whenever he gives a speech, he has a ROW of them (generally 6-8) in front of him.

Do North Korean mics have RELIABILITY issues?

If it is one for each network, have they never heard of MIXERS?

Or is he like one of those custom car nuts in the Seventies; buying a clapped-out old Cortina, then sticking half-a-dozen chrome pipes out the back, to kid those following that he has a Rolls-Royce Merlin engine under the bonnet – instead of the 1,300cc Ford four-pot that actually lay there?

Even TRUMP only needs ONE mic. And despite his constant FIDDLING with it, during the Presidential Debates, it always WORKS. Unfortunately.

And now the fate of the World lies in the tiny hands of these two clowns, with their extreme hair and obsession with damn MICROPHONES.


Morpheus on… Interweb Download Speeds

From the latest rankings, I see Singapore is in pole position. A hi-def movie can be downloaded there in about eighteen minutes. The only problem is…you have to live in Singapore.

While here in Thailand, it is a smidgin faster than the UK. That movie will take an hour in the Land Of Smiles, whilst in cold wet miserable over-regulated Rip-Off Broken Britain – it will complete two minutes later.

But don’t feel bad, limeys; if you lived in Yemen, it would take over two DAYS!

Morpheus on… Reflections On “The Mooch”

We have now had a week to recover from The Mooch’s absurdly short rule as White House Communications Director – so what have we learned?

Well, it is a widely-known fact that America’s VEEPS (vice-presidents) are only there to make their boss LOOK GOOD.

Examples include Spiro Agnew (Nixon) and Dan Quayle (Bush Snr) – men so stupid they could make ANYONE look good, in comparison.

Of course, with George Wan… sorry, WaLker Bush, the order was TOO tall – so they appointed Dick Cheney, to at least make him look HARMLESS.

However, all Trump has is Mike Pence – a man who fits the bill, believing that having an unchaperoned dinner with a lady is akin to having shagged her and that people who love members of their own sex should Pray Away The Gay.

But while he looks like an Armani mannequin – and clearly has the brain of one – so far, he has kept his DISTANCE from Trump, seemingly biding his time until it falls to him to take over whatever is left of America, once Trump collapses.

And so Trump needed another plan… how about bringing a DISTRACTION into the White House? A man even MORE blue-collar and CRASS than himself?

Enter Anthony Scaramucci.

But oh, oh, OH!!!

Within days of entering the arena, this former Wall Street wolf had PUBLICLY called Rinse Pubis a “f***ing paranoid schizophrenic” and suggested Steve Bannon BLOW himself – but in more graphic terms.

Now whilst THIS reporter might refer to Pubis as a mega-dweeb – and observe that Bannon looks like he sleeps in a dumpster – even HE would not go THAT far.

Thus, after a record-breakingly short time, The Donald had no choice but to let The Mooch go – rather like when The Baron croaks The Monster at the end of those ’30s Frankenstein movies (which would make Eric… Igor?)

But let us not feel TOO sorry for The Mooch; this arsehole made GAZILLIONS from his time on Wall Street. And even though his long-suffering second wife, Deidre (I kid you not) will likely glom a sizeable chunk of it when their divorce goes through – he is unlikely to ever have to worry where his next Ferrari is coming from.

Morpheus on… The Ten Commandments

One afternoon, the Reverend Michael Ripper went to take tea with the Very Reverend George Woodbridge. Woodbridge noticed his friend looked somewhat harassed and asked him why.

“I had to WALK here – my bicycle has disappeared.”

“Really? Do you think someone stole it?”

“I suppose.”

The two sipped their tea and after a minute, Woodbridge spoke.

“You might try this; on Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. Then when you get to Number Eight, pause for emphasis, speak slowly and fix your eyes on the congregation – and see who blinks.”

Ripper thanked the man for his advice and they agreed to meet again the next week.

Thus the following Wednesday, they again sat down to tea.

“I see you CYCLED here this time – did my little ploy bear fruit?”

“Not exactly; I was psyching myself up for the Eighth Commandment, but when I reached the Seventh – I remembered where I LEFT it.”


[Retelling this classic story on the web has the advantage that the reader can – if necessary – easily LOOK UP the Ten Commandments!]

Morpheus on… Photo-Shopping

Don’t you just love THIS…

Morpheus on… After Trump: What Next?

In its eagerness to rid itself of Trump, America seems to have overlooked what will FOLLOW.

Two words: Mike Pence.

Under the U.S. Constitution, it is HE who, along with Trump’s team of misbegotten, sycophantic losers (the ones he has not yet fired) will take over running The States.

Pence: a man who equates dining with a woman as having shagged her – and believes a dude who loves another dude should get down on his knees and (no, not that) “pray the gay away” – two sentiments an adult should have outgrown.

And what about the Cabinet he will inherit?

It includes Jeff Sessions: a man who resembles a leprechaun – and who wants to REVERSE the baby steps that have been taken towards legalising recreational drugs which, after FIFTY YEARS of the pointless War On Drugs, would finally free enough of America’s Injustice System up, to allow it to put REAL criminals behind bars.

And Rinse Pubis: a man who PERSONIFIES the word “dweeb” – and who criticised Trump constantly; until it became clear that he was the only Republican who could win 2016.

Plus Wilbur Ross: somewhere, a third-rate ventriloquist is missing a dummy.

Ben Carson: dozy, but dangerous – keep him away from sharp objects.

Betsy DeVos: a milf, but no-one likes her.

Rick “Oops” Perry.

And not forgetting the Prince Of Darkness, Steve Bannon: a man who looks like he sleeps in a dumpster – and who is somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan.

Also, remember that under the 22nd Amendment, if (against all odds) Trump lasts two years, Pence (who is only 58) could run for another TWO terms – meaning if the Democrats could not find anyone to beat him, America could be stuck with the berk until 2028!

Verily, God SAVE the United States of America…

Morpheus on… Leggy May: Here’s Another Nice Mess You’ve Gotten Us Into

So, having done a U-turn and determined to rip Britain OUT of Europe, you decided to silence your critics and firm up your position by holding a General Election. Your party was umpteen points in the lead – what could possibly go wrong?

Well, Jeremy Corbyn could begin a VIGOROUS campaign that would turn him from being one of Britain’s most hated politicians into someone viewed – particularly by the young – as its possible SAVIOUR, that’s what.

And even though the surge in his popularity wasn’t enough to give him victory, it managed to erode your comfortable lead into a minor DEFICIT.

This meant you needed HELP. But who could you turn to?

Not the Liberal Democrats for sure; only a few years ago, your former boss Cameron chewed Cleggy and his people up and shat them OUT. Tim Farron ain’t daft enough to go down THAT road.

And certainly not the Scottish National Party; Nic Sturgeon would not p*ss on you if you were on fire.

While Sinn Féin, Plaid Cymru and the Greens only have seven, four and one seat respectively – you’d have to rope in BOTH the former two parties to achieve a slim majority. Lotsa luck with THAT.

Which only leaves the DUP. WHO??

Yes, even I had barely heard of them. So I did some research.

It turns out DUP stands for Democratic Unionist Party. But in this case, the word “democratic” is like the word “socialist” was – with the NAZI party.

Yes, in both cases words that normally imply LEFT-wing sympathies were actually applied to EXTREME RIGHT-WING parties.

Face it, Leggy – the DUP are a bunch of primitive, barbaric retards who make your Tory wing of the British Party look like LIBERALS in comparison.

They don’t even have the same aspirations as you – and you’re getting into bed with THEM?

Okay, they’re the ONLY way you can stay in power – but GAWDELP us all now…